Welcome to the inaugural Ask Dr. Ani-Love column where I take letters from anime characters, break down their problems, and give them some much needed love advice.
Doctor,
I’m 16, female and I need some help with my overprotective boyfriend. A bit of backstory. My boyfriend, “Bonta” and I met last year when he transferred into my school. He’s grown up traveling between war-torn nations and treats normal, everyday life as if it were a dangerous battlefield.
From the start he was weird. He didn’t understand simple things like how to sort recyclable garbage, would brazenly (yet, obliviously) walk into the girl’s changing room, and even tried to bring a gun to school on his first day! He made it his mission to “protect me” and did his best to stay by my side 24-7. Even now, months later, he’s not much better. He just adds a ton of pointless chaos to my life.
But as it turns out, he’s surprisingly dependable. When the bullets start flying, he seems to be purely in his element. I know that whenever I am in trouble, no matter how dangerous, I have him to depend on. He’d literally take a bullet for me.
And it’s not like all this chaos it’s on him. I’m a little smart when it comes to math and science and that has gotten the attention of some “unscrupulous” people. While Bonta and his friends do their best to keep these bad influences away from me (they have a long history with each other it seems), I keep getting caught in the middle. (I was even the victim of an airplane hijacking because of this!)
When it all comes down to it, I love my boyfriend and he loves me. But all this drama has him constantly on edge, trying to protect me from every threat, both real and imagined. All I want for us is to go to college and then start a life together like normal people. Yet, those “unscrupulous people” I mentioned before show no signs of stopping. And I’m afraid that someone—someone I truly care about–is going to get hurt.
What can I do to straighten out my boyfriend and protect my normal life?
Sincerely,
Exhausted Green-Haired Beauty
Dear EGHB,
As I was reading your letter, I was prepared to give you the whole spiel about enforcing your boundaries and then be prepared to leave the relationship if he didn’t respect them. But as with so many, the problem you’re having isn’t actually what you think it is.
The moment I read your comment about the airplane hijacking, it put your whole situation in perspective. When you say “the bullets start flying” or “he’d take a bullet for me,” you really do mean it literally.
So I have some bad news for you–some news that you’re really not going to want to hear. But as my colleague of mine often says, “sometime you just gotta break out the chair-leg of truth.
You’re not living a normal life. You haven’t been for some time and it’s unlikely you will anytime in the foreseeable future.
Are you wrong for wanting a normal life? Of course not. But the simple fact remains, you can’t “protect” something you don’t have. Now I don’t know who is after you, but if they want you for your intelligence, there’s really nothing you have to bargain with. Either you work for them or you fight against them–there is no middle ground.
“Normal,” as you idolize it, is simply not in the cards. Instead you need to accept reality and carve out whatever happiness you can–which leads us back to your boyfriend.
From what you have told me, it seems Bonta is no stranger to the world of guns and violence. To him, this is “normal” and it was school life that he was completely unprepared for. Now the shoe is on the other foot and you are having problems integrating into his world.
But here’s the good news: he knows exactly what you are going through on that front. Remind him what it was like for him when he started school and see if he can help acclimate you to your new normal.
Beyond that, focus on making a new “Team You.” He can’t be your only support–that’s not fair to him and that’s not fair to you. It seems you already know his friends who are likewise accustomed to a life of danger. If you can, find another woman who can be your support in that area when needed.
Also, one more question. In his group of friends is there anyone like you–someone who shares the same mental gifts that would understand that part of what you’re going through? If so, foster that relationship post-haste.
You’re in a tough spot, no doubt about that. You’re life is likely to continue changing–and in a way you don’t agree with–but you’re not alone. Focus on getting adjusted to the new normal and you may just find happiness for both you and Bonta.
Fight the good fight!
Image source: 僕のヒーローアカデミア_アニメ公式 on Twitter
Sup Doc,
I’m a freshman in high school and I have a problem. While I love the ladies, they don’t seem to feel the same way about me. I don’t get why.
I go to a prestigious school, get good grades, and am athletic (though not as athletic as some of the guys in my class). Heck, I am even on track to become a hero in the near the future. I should be a chick magnet! Yet, somehow I am surrounded by beauties and none of them give me the time of day.
And when I say beauties, I mean top tier. All of them are in great shape and, better still, they wear skin-tight outfits whenever we’re out of the classroom–and that’s the bare minimum. One girl goes braless and wears a shirt with cleavage down to her navel! Another walks around wearing literally nothing but boots and gloves (though you don’t get to see as much as you’d think).
Heck, even those who show off less have their own erotic points. One has the longest tongue you’ve ever seen. I mean, just think what she could do with that!
I swear, just looking around the classroom I feel like I’m going to explode sometimes! If there was someway to see any of them naked, I’d take it in a heartbeat–god knows I’ve tried to enough times.
But while I’m having issues, some of my male classmates have these women all but throwing themselves at them (even if they’re too dumb to realize it). I’m so envious that I could cry blood when I see this happen. Why them and not me?
Granted, I am a bit shorter than my fellow classmates, but if that’s the reason I’m ignored, what could I possibly do? Should I just stay patient and wait till I become a hero–read: “automatic chick magnet”–or is there something I can do now?
Aspiring Chick Magnet
Dear Aspiring Chick Magnet,
I’ve got bad news for you. Becoming a hero isn’t going to make you a hit with the ladies. Why? Because you are basically acting like the creepiest creep ever to creep. You ignore boundaries (both personal and societal ones) and, judging by the tone of your letter, think that it is somehow acceptable to do so.
But while that’s no doubt why your classmates have zero romantic interest in you, it’s far from the root of your problem. That would be envy. You see that popular people are surrounded by pretty girls. You want that too. If you had that, then you’d be popular too.
Here’s the thing though, women aren’t “things” to obtain. They’re living, breathing, thinking people–and they have decided the way you act has removed you from the potential dating pool.
I can hear you objecting now, “I know women are people!” But you need to stop, think, and really consider your actions. There isn’t a specific person you’re interested in–that you want to build a connection and/or potential future with. You just have an empty “girlfriend space” in your heart and you want it filled. Now don’t get me wrong, in and of itself, this is not a bad thing–it’s part of the human condition to long for companionship. What’s bad is that you don’t care who fills that spot as long as you find them physically attractive–which seems to be just about everyone you know.
There is no woman out there who wants to be seen as an interchangeable thing. There may be many fish in the sea but each of them wants to feel like they are something special and irreplaceable. Your actions prove that, at the moment, you are unable to give this feeling to a potential partner.
So let’s try something radical. Try treating your female classmates as if they were your male classmates. The next time the hormones are pounding and you’re about to do something involving the opposite sex, stop and think to yourself “would I do this if they were my male friends?” If the answer is no, don’t do it.
Remember, this applies to staring at them as well. Attractive they might be, but stop treating the women around you like pieces of meat put on this earth for you to salivate over.
And for all that is holy STOP TRYING TO SEE THEM NAKED WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION! Beyond it being morally repugnant, it’s a literal crime and could get you arrested–ending your hero career before it even gets going.
At this point, ACM, you’re not ready for a relationship of any kind. You should focus on fixing yourself and your attitude. Then, and only then, should you even consider looking for a romantic partner. Though, the good news is that, if you’re successful fixing yourself, you might just find that rather than having to search for love, someone will be drawn to you all on their own.
Good luck.
Top Image Source: TVアニメ「フルメタル・パニック！IV」
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